now you know

You know what’s hard? Changing old habits…changing old habits, and never realizing they even became “habits” in the first place. I never thought I’d stoop down to this level again. I never thought that I’d expose myself to such vulnerability time and time again. This is how love really is?—to give someone else besides yourself control over your heart; your emotions, your thoughts, your actions…It’s easy to say “Oh, forget about him. You can do better” when at the time he was the best, he was everything I thought I didn’t want. But he showed me light, he showed me happiness, and compassion, and what I perceived as love. It’s easy to be on the other side of the grass and say the view is better, but for me the view was never good to begin with. Some people just don’t realize it’s not that I can’t be alone, but I don’t want to be alone anymore…sure I have friends, but what are friends without love? Friends can’t fulfill the void I feel inside, friends can’t give me the affection my significant other can. No, I am not going to be looking around for another person to fill this void just because I’m alone again. Unlike other people who are afraid to admit their flaws and insecurities, I’ll admit mine…I don’t want to lose him. When we were together we had our arguments here and there, and sometimes things would get ugly, but we worked it out because neither of us were willing to let the other go. He told me pretty things when I got mad at him. Once I declared that we shouldn’t be together anymore, because I will text you a lot, I will be clingy and attached because the more time we spend together the more I’ll fall for you. What did he say in return? Don’t leave me, I like that you talk to me all the time. & I get it, some couples can’t get enough of eachother and others want as much space from one another as possible. Not every relationship is the same. There are different stages to every relationship because every one of them has its own story- it’s own beginning. Some people get bored of eachother and some grow to love eachother more and more everyday. For us, we had a climax of happiness, and after that he got bored…he got bored, stressed, and overwhelmed. Other factors in his life came between us, and words filled with such sweetness turned into bitter hatred. It’s hard to change old habits…it’s hard to go from “I never want to lose you” to “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I’m ready for the next stage in our relationship now. The recovery stage…time to recovery from a lost love, and work on being friends again. But most importantly it’s time to find myself again. It’s time to learn to walk on my own two feet with no problems, no worries. People don’t realize that you are dependent when you’re in a committed relationship. You’re counting on that person to keep your heart safe, along with all the trust you’ve given to that person. It’s not that I couldn’t do me, all alone, but once he came into my life I no longer had the need to DO IT ALL ALONE. We get in relationships for a reason, hoping to find that person who makes life a little easier to live…that person who makes the difficult times a little better, and who makes life seem hopeful when nothing’s going right. It’s about that time to change old habits, to learn how to be on my own again. “When you love something let it go, and if it comes back it was meant to be.” Yeah, well I fought for what I love first, but it didn’t work out in my favor so it’s finally time to let go…

I’m dying at work. Someone buy a godamn phone!!! >:D

ohhh my goodness. i haven’t been on here in ages :) work has pretty much taken over my life haha. checked my timecard and it’s just two hours away from the 60hrs mark. $_____$. it hasn’t even been 2 weeks! :DD can’t wait for that bankin ass paycheck on the 1st. if anyone needs the joog with verizon hit me uppp. diamond wireless - verizon at stoneridge yaaall ;)

I hate being surrounded by so many people, but feeling so alone..

expressivity-:

— Hitler